Do you sometimes reach for stimulation when what you really need is rest?
Scrolling. Checking messages. Planning the next thing. Watching “just one more episode". Replying to emails late at night. Keeping busy.
You might think you are unwinding in these moments.
But often, the nervous system is not moving from activation into rest.
It is simply moving from one form of activation into another.
And over time, this can become deeply exhausting.
In modern life, many people rarely experience true restoration. Instead, they oscillate mainly between stress and stimulation — constantly activated, constantly engaged, and slowly losing touch with what genuine rest actually feels like.
The stress system and the drive system
According to psychologist Paul Gilbert’s emotional regulation model, there are three core systems that shape much of our emotional experience and behaviour: the threat system, the drive system and the soothing system.
The stress system (or threat system) helps us respond to pressure, uncertainty, danger and demands. It is associated with stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, preparing the body to react, perform, protect and survive.
The drive system feels very different subjectively, which is why it can easily be mistaken for recovery. It is linked to dopamine and motivates us to pursue goals, rewards, achievement, stimulation and productivity. It pushes us towards doing, solving, achieving, consuming and constantly moving forward.
It is also involved in addictive behaviour: repeatedly checking phones, seeking stimulation, multitasking, overworking, overplanning or constantly looking for the next small reward or distraction.
The difficulty is that although the drive system may temporarily feel better than stress, it still keeps the nervous system activated.
This is why many people move from a stressful workday directly into more stimulation: scrolling, answering messages, overplanning, binge-watching series, online shopping, constant input, staying mentally busy.
Not because they are weak or lacking discipline.
But because activation can temporarily feel easier than slowing down enough to truly feel what is happening inside.
And because for many nervous systems, constant activation has slowly become normal.
The often neglected soothing system
Paul Gilbert’s model also describes a third system that is often neglected in modern life: the soothing system.
This system is associated with parasympathetic regulation, safety, connection, oxytocin, emotional balance and restoration.
Subjectively, the soothing system often feels quieter, slower and softer than the drive system.
There is less urgency.
Breathing deepens.
The body softens.
Attention widens.
Thoughts become less compulsive.
We feel more grounded, connected and emotionally available.
In this state, the body no longer needs to defend, perform or chase.
It can finally restore.
Yet many high performers spend surprisingly little time there.
And paradoxically, when people have been chronically activated for a long time, the soothing system can initially feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable or even “unproductive”.
Stillness may feel strange.
Silence may feel empty.
Rest may trigger restlessness.
So instead, many people unconsciously keep reaching for more stimulation.
As a result, chronic activation slowly starts to feel normal. A bit like the frog adapting to slowly heating water, the nervous system gradually loses touch with what genuine restoration actually feels like.
Why small pauses matter
This is one reason why small pauses matter so deeply.
Not only taking a break from work.
But pausing long enough to notice:
* How am I actually feeling right now?
* What is happening in my body?
* What do I truly need in this moment?
Even a short STOP pause can sometimes interrupt the cycle of constant activation:
S – Step back
Step out of autopilot for a moment.
T – Take a breath
Bring attention to the breathing.
O – Observe
Notice what is happening in your body, thoughts and emotions.
P – Proceed
Choose your next step more consciously.
A few conscious breaths.
A moment of awareness.
A small interruption in autopilot.
Sometimes this small pause is enough to help the nervous system shift from automatic reactivity towards greater awareness and regulation.
Finding our way back to restoration
Perhaps one of the quiet resilience challenges of modern life is this:
learning to recognise the difference between what stimulates us…
and what genuinely restores us.
Sometimes what we need is not more stimulation, but something entirely different:
- a slower breath,
- silence,
- movement,
- nature,
- music,
- warmth,
- a long hug,
- physical affection,
- safe connection,
- stillness,
Even a few hours with less input or fewer notifications can feel surprisingly regulating.
And sometimes the nervous system needs longer.
A few days in nature, silence or retreat can help the nervous system slowly rediscover what safety, balance and genuine restoration actually feel like again.
At Brussels Mindfulness, many of our mindfulness programmes, retreats and resilience trainings are designed precisely to support this shift: helping people step out of chronic activation and reconnect with greater balance, awareness and inner restoration.
Because resilience is not only about pushing through.
It is also about learning how to truly recover.
